Devil in the Details BARNES LILITH ***INT, BARNES' CLASSROOM ***We enter the scene as Gavin Barnes toils hard at work over a difficult thorem. He mumbles out scattered pieces of an extremely complex equation as he shuffles papers about. BARNES (increasingly frustrated) The absolute value of x minus the polynomial of x, minus the difference...hence for any value of h in integers of zero and its difference, it holds that f is...er...wait, what about Darboux? AH, there it is...polynomial of x plus h minus f to the polynomial of x...over...h? NO! It's...uh...f minus one PLUS x of f minus...one...which is the integral of...no, no, no, NO! God...damnit! I'd give anything to get this right! ***A sudden, VIOLENT bolt of unearthly thunder rips through the air, startling BARNES. He runs to the window, pausing to notice there's no rain. BARNES (a bit curious) Huh...must be a dry thunderstorm, I guess... ***BARNES closes the window, then all of a sudden ***LILITH, appearing seemingly out of nowhere, picks up some of BARNES' proofs and looks them over. LILITH Fascinating...is this part of Fermat's Theorem? (giggles as BARNES his his head - see below) BARNES (startled) Ah!-(***BARNES BANGS HIS HEAD on the window frame, letting out a sharp hiss of annoyed pain, pause) Where'd...where did you come from? LILITH (ignoring the question) Fermat's Theorem? Is this a part of it or is it not? BARNES Yeah. Well, er...sort of...it's a fragment of a disproof that Professor Chaykin has us working on... LILITH (impressed) *Very* astute. For a human, that is. This nearly almost approaches intelligent. BARNES Uh...thanks, I guess. Where...did you come from again? LILITH Oh, my dear Gavin Barnes...it's not *where* I came *from* that's important - It's *what* I came *for*. BARNES ...Do I know you? LILITH Personally, no...though I'm sure you've heard of me. But I do know you. I know *all* about you - an exceedingly bright graduate student studying applied mathmetics - specifically differentiable functions. (sigh) Kid's play, sadly, but you...you intone it with such a song-like beauty that I, in all of time, can hardly resist. BARNES I see. It's been fun chatting with you, Ms. Froot Loop, but I'm afraid I must ask you to get on out of here, okay? LILITH I'm not going anywhere, Gavin. Not until we settle this little arrangement. BARNES Huh? What arrangement? LILITH Two words, baby: *eternal damnation*. BARNES (a little spooked) Hah, right. Well, see you... ***BARNES WALKS TO THE DOOR and TURNS THE KNOB, about to open it as LILITH warns him. LILITH (cutting him off) I wouldn't open that door if I were you...as far as you're concerned, this room that you and I are in encompasses the entirety of time and space. And I'm not entirely sure what would happen to a mortal who stumbles past the other side. Trust me on this, kiddo. It'd probably be something, ooooh...(fake shudders) nasty. ***BARNES lets out a slight sneer as he OPENS THE DOOR a little, ***unleashing THE SWIRLING TORRENT OF SCREAMING HELLFIRE on the other side. ***BARNES quickly slames the door, a beat. BARNES (slightly aloof) Alright, I'll play your game for a bit. What are you? LILITH You can call me Lilith. I'm a devil. BARNES The Devil? LILITH No, not THE Devil. That's a silly misnomer that-(beat, sigh) You know, forget it. I'm not going to get dragged into another "A devil" versus "The Devil" argument. Let's just say that you summoned me and I'm here for your soul and get on with this, yes? BARNES I summoned you? LILITH (cheerily) Mmm-hmm. BARNES See, that's a little funny, because I don't recall drawing blood pentagrams on the floor, or, like, sticking pins in chickens or speaking Latin. Geez, I flunked Latin my freshman year... LILITH Please, spare me the "Rosemary's Baby" crap. You see all these papers you've written? All this gibberish? BARNES The math proofs? LILITH Math is a universal language, baby! More than any human will ever realize. And let me tell you, the way you stammered out the little pieces of your theorem, it was like poetry to me. It sounded right enough to be the phonetic equivalent of a demonic invocation. I'll admit that it only piqued my interest at first, but then you topped it off with that oh-so-wonderful damnation to...hm...you know who - up there. BARNES (sigh) Mom always said cursing would get me in trouble... LILITH Blasphemy. It's more than a sin - it's a way of life. BARNES Okay, so I summoned a devil. Swell. What now? LILITH Look, I can tell you're a smart guy...I think we're really connecting here. Let's skip all this victim-demon crap and cut straight to the raw deal, shall we? I'm here for your eternal soul. BARNES My eternal soul. (beat) That's so corny... LILITH Hey now - a soul is a VERY high commodity where I come from! In spite of the sheer abundance of them you'd be surprised how coveted souls can be...I suppose it's a bit like gasoline, but in an infinite supply and it runs a bajillion dollars a gallon. BARNES So the laws of supply and demand exist beyond the corporeal world? Weird... LILITH Where do you think YOUR kind got the idea? Hell, a relatively pure soul such as yours can be outsourced to a variety of upstanding clientele. We have, for example, a pandimensional customer who can't get ENOUGH of pure souls! Must go through ten million a day. Very creative user of souls as well, this particular customer - you've got to hear this... BARNES If I do, am I going to like it? LILITH (thinks about it briefly) Mmm...No. All the purchased souls are collected, still cognizant and in terrible pain, and woven into this giant...cosmic sofa, I guess you could say. An object of divine relaxation, constructed of nothing but screaming souls slowly being torn into nothingness. And let me tell you, that's one of the BETTER ways for a damned soul to spend the afterlife! BARNES Ah, pleasant. What about my body? LILITH I'm afraid to say that the loss of your soul would cause your intelligence to drop to that of a vegetable. But that's no real problem for you, since...I'm a vegetarian. (laughs) ***LILITH'S laugh slowly merges into that of a very terrible, deep monotone sound. BARNES ...Huh. Soul turned into a La-Z-Boy, and my body devoured by a sexy demon. This all seems a tad unfair. LILITH In case you haven't noticed, sweetie, I'm EVIL INCARNATE. Being unfair is part of the job. Though in your defense, the transference of your eternal soul to me occurs only after you fail to beat me in a game of wits. BARNES A game a wits for my soul, huh? Again - corny! LILITH Hey, be thankful there's a catch at all! If we had played our cards correctly at the beginning, this entire universe would be a demonic parking lot, and we wouldn't be having this wonderful discourse! (sigh) But yes, your soul is spared if you're able to ask me a question I cannot answer or assign me a task I cannot perform. But before that occurs you may ask me any *three* questions about the extent of my power. BARNES Really? LILITH Really. (beat) Now, what's your second question? BARNES Hey, wait WOAH - that wasn't my first question! LILITH Um, hello? Devil? Evil? (laughs) BARNES CRAP! Um, um... LILITH Relax, Gavin - take your time! The way I see it, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. My record is spotless, by the way...over 200 billion served. BARNES Okay, uh...alright, second question. Are there any physical limitations to your Stygian powers? LILITH (pleased) 'Stygian powers'...I like that, I really do. (thinks on it a bit, gleefully) I'm suppose I must reply in the negative to that query, my dear. As far as time and space are concerned, I'm unbound: I can do *anything*. I can travel faster than the speed of light, or make two subatomic particles share the same quantum state. BARNES So there's nothing you can't do...interesting... LILITH It's nice work if you can get it, I'll admit. BARNES Alright, alright, hm...question number three. And I'm stating it as a corollary to my previous question. LILITH (playfully) A corollary, huh? My goodness, you sure know how to talk to a woman... BARNES Given that you're able to do anything - and therefore go anywhere - is there any place that you can't find your way back from? (pause) LILITH (laughs) What sort of a question is that? You already know the answer! BARNES I stand by my question. Would you please answer it? LILITH I can travel from here to the Abell galaxy cluster - billions of light years away - in a matter of picoseconds, and I can return just as fast. I can do you one better, in fact: I can not only go to any place that exists, but also anywhere that *doesn't!* The aftermath of Gehenna - a universe scarred by blood and fire...my kind of party! Berlin, the center of world power had the atomic bombs been dropped on New York and Baltimore instead of Hiroshima and Nagasaki! The bountiful metropolis of modern day Rome, where Alexander the Great still rules at the ripe old age of 2,364! Any place I can comprehend with my infinite knowledge of the omniverse - I'm there and back again in an instant. And let me tell you, nearly all of those places are a lot less boring than ME sitting HERE waiting to take YOUR soul! BARNES (thoughtfully) You seem impatient... LILITH (disappointed) It's just...I expected so much more out of you, Gavin! Trying to find a place I *can't* escape from - HA! The last time someone tried THAT was in the 3rd Century BC; didn't work then and it won't work now. Now, FINALLY...give me a question I can't answer or a task I can't perform! BARNES A command, then. LILITH Hm, are you sure? Think loooong and hard...(beat, giggle) you know, I can do *anything* you ask. More than one soul has realized how pointless it is to fight and asked for...earthly pleasure before eternal pain... BARNES Oh, that's not necessary, 'Lil'... LILITH (confidently) Well then: command me. BARNES Get lost. LILITH (taken by surprise) What...did you ask? No... ***The forces of Hell swirl around LILITH, clawing at her and dragging her out of this existence. LILITH NO, I...AAAAUGH! IT'S NOT FAIR!!! IT'S NOT FAAAAAAAAAAAIR!! (screams) ***LILITH SCREAMS as she's torn from reality, shrinking like the iris of a camera lens into nothingness, when all of a sudden ***A MIGHTY CLAP OF THUNDER erases all trace of her. Pieces of paper settle all over the room. BARNES (laughs in victory) HA! What...what a mess. (sigh) Such a shame, too...she's wasn't much help at all.